🔗 Share this article

The current period marks a ten-year milestone since the term “vanishing” hit the public consciousness. Initially, the notion that someone could abruptly cease contact with a lover without explanation seemed like the peak of indignity. How naive we were. In the ten-year span since, navigating toward a partner has only become more bewildering – an frequently fruitless exercise in awkwardness that is increasingly shaped by online lingo.

Gen Z, a cohort who grew up during a social isolation epidemic, a male identity crisis, and a coordinated attack on the freedoms of women and the LGBTQ+ community, faces a significantly more chaotic terrain than their millennial forerunners could ever imagine. And so their romantic vocabulary has grown more elaborate and more unhinged, with phrases like “Ogre-ing” and “vine swinging” pushing the limits of your sanity.

What follows is a detailed breakdown to the phrases gen Z is using to discuss romance, intimacy and the search of both. To paraphrase one of the recent most viral online sayings, by the end of this list you’ll yearn to get back to simpler times – because wherever that is, it is free from “wokefishing”.

---

The Letter A

Authenticity – According to Zoomers, dating’s ideal is showing up as your true, raw self. Best wishes with that!

B

Bird theory – A online phenomenon loosely based on a framework developed by couples researchers, in which you mention something insignificant – for example, “I saw a bird today” – and observe whether your date's response is engaged or disinterested. If they do not want to hear more about the bird, you two are not compatible.

Black cat girlfriend – Gen Z’s answer to the “manic pixie dream girl” stereotype of the early 2000s – but instead of having short fringe, liking The Smiths and eschewing commitment, the black cat girlfriend focuses on her own needs while radiating mystery and independence. (She might still have that fringe.)

The Letter C

Chair theory – This signifies seeking out someone who supports you unprompted. If you entered a room, they would fetch a seat for you to take a load off.

Choremance – A meet-up where two people connect while doing chores, such as pet care or grocery shopping. In other words, how cash-strapped young adults do budget-friendly dating in a post-cheap-date world.

Melting down – Losing it when you feel swamped by life. You can lose it over a crush or split, dumping all of your (unrequited) emotions.

The Letter D

DINK – Dual income no kids. Once a symbol of 80s young urban professional excess, it refers to couples who forgo parenthood to focus on their own well-being. Or because they cannot afford to become parents.

E

Vulnerable signaling – The opposite of playing it cool: practicing dialogue, honesty and vulnerability.

F

Indicators

• Red flags – Behavioral habits indicating a potential partner is trouble. For instance calling their exes crazy, poor gratuity habits, a fondness for Woody Allen films, a nascent DJ career …
• Good indicators – These traits affirm your decision to date a partner. For instance following up to make sure you got home safe after a date, minimal phone use, having a bed frame …
• Odd but harmless traits – These usually describe niche, largely benign idiosyncrasies. For instance being an keen birdwatcher, still carrying around a biro in their purse, paying the rent in cash …

Niche bonding – When you meet someone who’s just as passionate about films about the WWII or DVD collecting or collaging or whatever it may be, as you. Or, on the flip side, meeting someone who loathes the same things or people that you do (few things builds intimacy faster than sharing a common enemy).

The Letter G

Geese – A band a typical Zoomer guy is into.

Ghostlighting – Someone who resurfaces into your life after a length of disappearing.

Loyal boyfriend – Someone who is friendly, eager to please and loyal. The rare boyfriend who is liked by all of his significant other's friends, and a mysterious partner's opposite.

Gooners – A primarily online community of men so fixated with self-pleasure that they attempt lengthy sessions, deliberately postponing climax so they can continue as long as possible.

The Letter H

Pessimistic straight dating – A phenomenon describing many women’s increasing pessimism toward straight relationships. It will come as little surprise to anyone who read the above entry.

High-value woman – An archetype championed by online male influencer figures: a woman who is sexually desirable, ever-comforting and happily domestic, who apparently has no goals of her own aside from pleasing her male partner. Maybe now you’re beginning to grasp the whole “heterofatalism” thing better?

The Letter I

Turn-offs – Arbitrary and often mundane repulsions that instantly extinguish any sense of interest.

“Actions speak louder" – Something to keep in mind after you watch someone else get an extremely sweet act.

J

Jobs – These have not been this significant in the dating scene since the greed-is-good era. For some women, a “man in finance” is the ideal catch: a preppy, conservative-leaning guy who will provide (there’s a popular TikTok song on the topic). Meanwhile the left-leaning crowd opt for partners in sectors they believe are being staffed by the more nurturing among us: healthcare workers, educators or therapists.

The Letter K

Kissing – This year, scientists learned that the kiss has been around for 16m years. But the era of kissing may be numbered since some gen Z want fewer sex scenes in film, as they are having less sex themselves and do not find cinematic romance realistic.

Kittenfishing – Slight exaggeration. Or, not exactly lying about who you are, but maybe using older (better) photos of yourself on a dating app profile, or making your career sound more important than it is. Also known as {